|“||Get off my lawn before I report you to your parents, the police and the Easter Bunny!||”|
— Old Man Esmond
Old Man Esmond is a cranky senior citizen who absolutely despises children, though the ones he hates the most are his next-door neighbors, PC Guy and Eric. He is a retired military veteran who served as an infantryman during the Korean War. He does not enjoy the company of other people, and he usually spends his time by gardening, napping, reading the newspaper, or watching prime time television.
- A running gag in the series is that Old Man Esmond tends to suffer from back pain.
- Another running gag is how he dies each time he makes an appearance, and unknowingly comes back to life in the next episode as if nothing happened.
- He is known to have a streak of bad luck with women, as he has been through over ten divorces in his lifetime.
- It has been implied that he dated Doris at some point in his life.
- Despite being elderly, Old Man Esmond has been shown to be quite fit for someone his age:
- In Break a Leg, he ran from his house to the hospital faster than Eric could blink.
- Esmond was able to thumb wrestle against Travis Harrison and make him lose, as seen in Football Follies.
- In Comic Relief, he lifted up his entire house just so Sebastian could get out of it.
- He managed to outrun Fang in the episode, Dog Trouble.
- In the episode Locked Out, it was revealed that Esmond played baseball at some point in the past. However, his skills were so horrible that he received numerous injuries from getting hit by the ball.
- Esmond is considered Gary Sauls' favorite minor character from the show.